A hole...

You ever notice that things can begin to spiral out of control at a rather alarming rate? Life seems to be going fine and then BAM all of a sudden you are smack dab in the middle of a downward spiral into oblivion and there is no foreseeable way out. You kind of get stuck and can only seem to get pulled deeper and deeper into this dark chasm of chaos. Chaos that doesn't seem to have any logical explanation. And you continue to wonder, how did I get here? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere and end up in the middle of hell.

Right now life seems to be just that...hell. Hell can be defined as a place of extreme suffering or chaos. Each person has their own definition and interpretation of what hell is all about. Individuals experience different types of hell and can express their frustrations or chaotic moments in a less than desirable form or fashion. Currently I am trying to sort through mine. Now my salvation and my personal walk with God is not in questions here. But life honestly sucks right now, my heart feels as though there is a gapping hole that can't be filled. I feel like my head is everywhere and not where it needs to be. I feel lonely and depressed, angry and frustrated, hurt and abandoned, replaced, jealous, envious, ugly, stupid, foolish, and the list continues.

Don't really know what I need to do to sort out all of the things going on in my life but right now I am not doing well. It always frustrates me when people try to mask what they are feeling but I am the guiltiest of them all. This is my mode of operation. All I do is cover up my feelings. I hid for being hurt. I hid for getting attached to anything, I freak out when people want to get close. I run at the hint of something going wrong. Everything inside of me says get out of there, it will never last. You can't do anything about the fact that it is going to end, so why try in the beginning. Now I know logically you would assume that I would try to encounter these problems head on and fix the situations or try to at least face my fear and trepidation, nope, WRONG...I run the other way like a gutless child. Why cause it is safer, it is easier to run and not deal with the way you are feeling. Sure after a good long cry or maybe a few good cries you pick yourself up and move on. You realize you and God can do it, so why worry about all of these other people who will be there today and gone tomorrow? Why worry when people have repeatedly told you that you are not worth it and have walked out of your life? Why? Why care when this happens?

Sorry to whoever will read this and think, wow...she must be in a bad spot. Honestly NO I am just hurting and don't really know how to sort through all the feelings going on inside. I feel lost and alone with a lot of pain. Don't rightly know how to encounter it all but tomorrow is another day. And what do they always say about a new day? It is the opportunity to start over and try something new. Look for the silver lining, right?

Please pray for me. Right now I am at a place of utter confusion and "hell-ish" circumstances.